Valentine's Day

Seeing your beautiful face on Skype and subsequently reading your Valentine's Day blog, makes me don a big smile while alligator tears well up in my eyes. First, I need you to give Stephen a big hug and tell him that I say, 'Thank you' for taking care of you. Knowing that your other number 2 is taking care of you, makes me feel less stressed and more at ease with the idea that near-complete contentment will find you sooner rather than later. I am very impressed with the way that he has taken on guiding you into this new stage of life.

Second, I know that I have gone into deep writing mode for two reasons... #1 My phone is off. Whenever I am ready to write I turn off my phone. It helps me to stop thinking about the outside world. I don't spend time thinking about who or what might come through the cell tower. Communication is redirected through my fingers onto this backlit screen.

The other reason I know that I have gone into deep writing mode is another #1. I have turned on Augustana. It is funny (ironic funny, not haha funny) how my peace and mental focus is amplified by this group. If I die before you, please pick out any one (or five) of their songs to play at my funeral. Their music makes me feel like I know myself in a more mature way than I often think I do.

Ever since this year started I have felt different. I chock it up to maturation, but there is something else there. To speak frankly, part of my self feels definition and confidence, the other part feels insecurity and loneliness. There are days when I feel like I know exactly who I am and where my life is going. I love those days. I put on my big girl panties (a pair of thongs - really cute actually...), my hair seems to obey my mental commands, and I speak to people with a boldness that comes from my core. The fact that you are so far away feels completely manageable and I am utterly sure that I have at least a decent interpretation of God's path with my other relationships.

Then there are the days where I have not a clue where I am going or what I am doing. I feel like I am the court jester hiding behind the queen's mask. That at any point my guise is going to be discovered and the seemingly strong life that I have built will crumble around me.

Today I feel that. I am choking back a sob as I type this because I know you get it. I don't feel like enough for Brett. I feel like a failure because I am not the parent that he is. I feel completely exposed in my methods, mechanisms, and manners. It makes me question every aspect of myself and makes me feel like I am better off just being alone. I don't feel like I am the right person for anyone except for you, me and Redden. And Redden is only included in that short, short list because he is too young to know the difference. And oh man, is that the amazing grace of children, or what? Impossibly, he thinks that I am the greatest woman in the world... Talk about humbling.

It's this constant back-and-forth between feeling like someone amazing and someone who is royally lacking that generally keeps me in a state of WTF?!

I guess what I am getting at is that before you left, I never had to deal with myself in the same way that I do now. It's a tightrope walk. You think you are doing it right, but all you have to compare it to is everyone else; success or failure. With you here, it never felt so black and white.

I don't really know how to wrap this up except to say I love you. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I don't have to be this or that. Thank you for reminding me that being 'just me' is the person I should be; even when I don't believe it.