Early Morning Blog(s)

Hi Sweetie,

I read your blog yesterday evening and have been thinking about it ever since. This weekend was so hard on you emotionally, and I think I have some insight on why this may be.

Growing up in the Garrity household, life pretty much always felt like an episode of "Leave it to Beaver". We were fortunate enough to grow up without any major crises and out parents seemed to be 100% dedicated to us - taking us to the train station or park, making snow cream, enrolling us in activities, etc. I think that we both felt that our childhood was exceptional and that we want to give the same experience to our children and the children we impact. You and I have always been overacheivers and when we personally feel like we have not reached our potential we are very critical of ourselves.

But if you take a step back and think about it (or if you have a conversation with Mom and Dad), I bet you will find that they often felt like they were failing us. Remember how Mom would often work late? Or when they couldn't attend one of our events? What about the time Dad got overly mad at Jeannie and then later in life at you? I remember that there was at least one occassion where Mom forgot to pick one of us up. I have two points with this: 1. That all parents do things that they would personally deem failures. 2. As long as you engage your child and are engaged in their life, everything else sort of fades away.

The best gift you can give is love, and wen you have to "fake" enthusiasm, something is lost. The moments I remember aren't so much the big trips and super fun planned activities, they were the little moments, like Mom making blueberry muffins or teaching us how to make crepes. It was Dad laying on the floor building Lincoln Logs with us or singing "Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder..." The next time you feel grossly inadequate as a parent, just give Redden a big hug or call him up to find out about his day. Hold true to who you are so that Redden gets the most authentic Mommy he can have. That Mommy is a wonderful, amazing person who may not be perfect in her eyes but his perfect in his; just like our Mommy and all of the other good Mommies in the who wide world.

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It is now 6:40 a.m. and I am sitting at my counter missing you, missing Mom and Dad, missing Jeannie and family. Transitions are difficult, and this morning I am feeling that weigh on me. I have been here for nearly 4 months already. Amazing. I can't wait until this life feels normal, because it still doesn't. It will come - one of these days. For now, I am just going to try to set my sights on the next thing I am looking forward to. Stephen and my ski trip to Lutsen! On Monday, I went to the Unique Thrift Store. WoW. What an experience that place is. On holidays (like President's Day) they run a special - 50% off everything. I have been waiting for this to get some snow paints at a bargain price. What I thought would be a quick in and out visit very quickly turned in to a 45 minute quest. The aisles were literally spilling over with all sorts of people vying for knick knacks, clothes, furniture, and more. Quickly I found a marginal amount of personal space acceptable. You aren't touching me, good enough. Manners were put on hold, because everyone else had done the same. You are trying on an entire cart of clothing in front of one of three mirrors in the store - fine, I will invade your personal space and try to make you share the mirror while I try on this one piece. Though emotionally battered and beaten, I was able to emerge victorious - snow pants for $3.47 after tax.

I am watching the minutes tick by knowing that I really need to go put on my workout clothes and get on the elliptical. Yuck, I am going to have to start this day one way or another. I wish, I wish, I wish I didn't have a job and could dedicate today to errand running, cleaning, working out, cooking, and reading. Sigh, oh well, what can you do. I hope yours is a wonderful day and I can't wait to talk to you again!

Valentine's Day

Seeing your beautiful face on Skype and subsequently reading your Valentine's Day blog, makes me don a big smile while alligator tears well up in my eyes. First, I need you to give Stephen a big hug and tell him that I say, 'Thank you' for taking care of you. Knowing that your other number 2 is taking care of you, makes me feel less stressed and more at ease with the idea that near-complete contentment will find you sooner rather than later. I am very impressed with the way that he has taken on guiding you into this new stage of life.

Second, I know that I have gone into deep writing mode for two reasons... #1 My phone is off. Whenever I am ready to write I turn off my phone. It helps me to stop thinking about the outside world. I don't spend time thinking about who or what might come through the cell tower. Communication is redirected through my fingers onto this backlit screen.

The other reason I know that I have gone into deep writing mode is another #1. I have turned on Augustana. It is funny (ironic funny, not haha funny) how my peace and mental focus is amplified by this group. If I die before you, please pick out any one (or five) of their songs to play at my funeral. Their music makes me feel like I know myself in a more mature way than I often think I do.

Ever since this year started I have felt different. I chock it up to maturation, but there is something else there. To speak frankly, part of my self feels definition and confidence, the other part feels insecurity and loneliness. There are days when I feel like I know exactly who I am and where my life is going. I love those days. I put on my big girl panties (a pair of thongs - really cute actually...), my hair seems to obey my mental commands, and I speak to people with a boldness that comes from my core. The fact that you are so far away feels completely manageable and I am utterly sure that I have at least a decent interpretation of God's path with my other relationships.

Then there are the days where I have not a clue where I am going or what I am doing. I feel like I am the court jester hiding behind the queen's mask. That at any point my guise is going to be discovered and the seemingly strong life that I have built will crumble around me.

Today I feel that. I am choking back a sob as I type this because I know you get it. I don't feel like enough for Brett. I feel like a failure because I am not the parent that he is. I feel completely exposed in my methods, mechanisms, and manners. It makes me question every aspect of myself and makes me feel like I am better off just being alone. I don't feel like I am the right person for anyone except for you, me and Redden. And Redden is only included in that short, short list because he is too young to know the difference. And oh man, is that the amazing grace of children, or what? Impossibly, he thinks that I am the greatest woman in the world... Talk about humbling.

It's this constant back-and-forth between feeling like someone amazing and someone who is royally lacking that generally keeps me in a state of WTF?!

I guess what I am getting at is that before you left, I never had to deal with myself in the same way that I do now. It's a tightrope walk. You think you are doing it right, but all you have to compare it to is everyone else; success or failure. With you here, it never felt so black and white.

I don't really know how to wrap this up except to say I love you. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I don't have to be this or that. Thank you for reminding me that being 'just me' is the person I should be; even when I don't believe it.

Valentine's Day

Here we are, February 14th. So much of this blog is consumed with our relationship, but today I am thinking about my marriage and I just have to tell you how loved I am by my husband.

We decided that Valentine's Day would be wrapped up into our ski trip two weeks from now. I was definitely okay with that but got him a card anyways, because how can you not take today to reflect. I had no expectations going into this weekend, especially since he reiterated that there would be no flowers this year - we needed to save money. On Friday evening, I got home slightly before Stephen with paint for our den painting project. He had stopped at Trader Joe's for me to get some $3 Charles Shaw wine. When he pulled in, I opened the garage door because I had to let him know that Tyra had escape-artisted her way out of the kennel (crazy, I know!). He handed me the wine and off I went to put the wine away. A minute later in walked Stephen with a dozen red roses, hummus, and chocolates. What a sweetheart. And wouldn't it be wonderful if that were the end of the story. But it's not.

Today I woke up with the worst UTI I have ever had. It was so bad that my bladder felt like it was in a perma-cramp. Of course the typical burn was also there. Stephen was so worried about me, he kept asking what he could do to help. I realized I could get the urinary track numbing stuff at Walmart adn we were on our way. It is such a little thing but the fact he cares so much makes me feel so loved.

These examples are small but I just had to blog to remember how great my relationship is. I hope that years from now I get to look back on this and think these experiences are small potatoes compared to his and my relationship at that time.

By the way, I really think that you and Brett will be getting engaged within the next 1.5 years. You two are great about taking it slow but everything I see between you, points toward a life long relationship. He is a wonderful guy, and ESPECIALLY becuase he takes such good care of you. Love you so much, my Kentucky twinkie.

Top Ten Favorite Moments of This Weekend

In celebration of a fabulous weekend, I felt it important to give you one more Top Ten list - and the very best one of them, I think. This one is a recap of the most memorable happenings this weekend.

10. The dreaded flat tire. Full bellies, full car, full trunk - hey! let's whip some shitties... and promptly get a flat tire. This one makes the list for the sheer inconvenience and randomness of it. And that we were in Big Lake and got it resolved with out too much hassle helps.

9. Shopping successes and folies. I was soooooo excited to go shopping. Monday was honestly the day that I anticipated for the most reasons. Time alone with you, new clothes, MAC make-up... Okay folly number 1. The FRIGGIN SNOW!!!! I mean WTF, 2 hours to get to the airport, really? Success 1. IKEA. I mean, when is Ikea not a success? But I think we all felt like we won in Ikea, even Stephen, which means I really won, because we WILL be back. Success 2. MAC Make-up, and bonus, I underspent and got everything I wanted! Folly 2. Don Pablos. Hi, welcome to Don Pablos, now please leave. Atleast the Ranch was good. :) Folly 3. Van Maur, what a let down - acrylic clothes that made me look like a stylish whale. Success 3. Express! At least we found a few good pieces!

8. Mega snow fallage. It wouldn't be Minnesota without it, and really, having as much as we did gave you a first hand look at what life here is like. The challenges of wet pantcuffs, icky roads leading to long commutes, but once you are safe and snuggly at home, a winter wonderland.

7. Watching you and Brett snowmobile. Watching you suit up, seeing the giddiness in your eyes, it was like watching a video of me the first time I suited up. Then watching you find your snowmobile groove and gain confidence, I felt like a proud twinkie!

6. The Saints Super Bowl win. Ok, so as far as Super Bowl parties go, it was neither rowdy nor raucous, but the comeback the Saints pulled off made this Super Bowl one of the best ever.

5. Winning $100 playing pull tabs. What's better than a night out at the bar? A FREE night out at the bar!!! We spent $80 but who cares! We came home with $20 extra in our pocket!

4. Playing Skipbo, drinking beers, and hanging out. Let's face it, life is about the little things and that first night was pure bliss. I had my twin, her boyfriend, and my husband and the whole weekend lay in front of us. Sigh.

Okay, so really the next two are equal in my mind, therefore we have no number 3 and two number 2s. First I gravitated towards the funny and then toward the sentimental, and I realized they both perfectly express why number 1 is number 1. You'll have to wait a few more seconds until you find that out.

2. Monday night, sitting in front of the fire. When is life really any better than when I have you all to myself and my husband is contently hanging out by himself? Monday night could only have been made better if it had not been your last night here and we could have stayed up way later. Truly, it was a moment of peace for me - when all my emotions quiet except for the happiness that gushes from every pore. I love going deep with you Katie, because we do it so fluidly and without restraint. Our depth can ebb and flow like the sea, one minute light and shallow and the next like a tidal wave. I feel safe when I am with you and I truly am me when I am around you.

2. As the Evening Turns - the Big Lake Soap Opera. Enough of the tear jerker stuff. Tootsie's was awesome. And you truly made it awesome-ER by catching the entire saga in pictures. Just so we always have it... Two chicks meet up at the bar, and oh my the second looks rough and a little wasted. The other is yound and attractive and the connection between them seems a little funny. The older blonde is obviously on the prowl, and to work up here sex appeal, she quickly downs a couple drinks. Ah, one man has caught her eye (and clearly, she must be drunk). Oh wait, and he must be also. The young girl looks on with passive concern. But the evening turns quickly at Tootsie and before anyone could have guessed it, our eye-crossed lovers are bumping and grinding - literally - against the bar. The lesbian bartenders step in. Only two chicks makeout against this bar. The blonde woman puts her tits away, at least until the bartenders walk away. Soon the drunken couple is back at it, and now the friend looks very concerned. Our lovers head for the dance floor and begin copulating vertically. Then it hits us, the older blonde and the younger brunette look remarkably similar... mother and daughter. And then the friend's concern suddenly makes sense. At this point the evening starts to get a little fuzzy for me, but I remember someone coping a feel on the daughter and her having a friend come stand with her. Then the lesbian looking fiance of the male lover shows up but is also hooking up with someone else. Damn, this shit is just wierd. Can you fill me in on the rest?

1. The very first moment I saw you, and every other moment I looked at you too. All of these moments, but especially my two Top 2, explain why this has to be the number 1 moment for me. I look forward to every moment I get to spend with you because something wonderful always ensues. Thank you for being the VERY best twin in the whole wide world. I love you soooooooo much!

Top 10 Reasons the Next 24 Hours is going to Rock!!

10. The cleaning is already done.
9. It is Thursday evening and I am going into the office tomorrow - no more sales calls this week!
8. Sex, yeah I said it.
7. Tomorrow is casual Friday at the office.
6. I don't have to work out tomorrow.
5. I get to turn in an order at work. Yay, Money!
4. I get paid tomorrow. Again, yay Money!
3. I get presents tomorrow!
2. I get to see Brett!
And of course, I mean who didn't know this one.
1. I GET TO HUG YOU IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!!!

The 10 Frivolous Items I Am Bringing

Okay, this could be hard because I am REALLY trying to not pack frivolously... let's see how I do.

10. Too many clothes. This one is a given because although I will arrive to a fully outfitted wardrobe, I don't feel right unless I bring options. I am justifying it by telling myself that the clothes are for you too.

9. My laptop. I know that it is heavy and unnecessary, but it is my adult security blanket and I just want it with me. Oh you cute little macbook... momma wuvs her wittle macbook

8. Pressies! (Presents) Need I say more?

7. My ipod. It is so little and unobtrusive and will power my walks through SDF, CLT, and MSP.

6. More makeup than I need or wear. Again - security blanket type issue here. What if I need it or just want it? Actually I think I just like to give the TSA agents fits over whether or not my multiple lip glosses are indeed under 3 ounces.

5. All the extra crap in my backpack. This one is just because I am too lazy to empty it out.

4. An extra mp3 player. This one coincides with number 5. I will be too lazy to take it out of my backpack so it too will travel with me.

3. A camera. This could be considered as essential were it not that we will be together the whole time and thus have your camera as well. But as every phot-og knows, whats 6 of a similar shot when you can have 12?!

2. Heeled boots. Somehow anything with pointy heels strikes me as hazardous in Minnesota, yet I can't go anywhere without heels. I opted to forego the strappy and toeless heels in favor of the more hearty, calf boots. Aren't I practical?

1. A bottle of wine. Actually Brett is bringing it... And not that you don't have enough three buck chuck to get us miserably hungover for days... I just couldn't resist sharing this bottle with you, Stephen, and Brett. Okay... maybe you and I will just share it - I can see the guys snubbing their noses at it...

Apparently, I am more frivolous than I first thought. I cannot wait to see you sweet girl. Just think, in 1 day Brett and I will be there!

Ten People I Can Not Wait for you to Meet at BLI

This list is a mix of the appealing and appalling people I have met in Minnesota and what makes them who they are. I can't wait for you to see/meet them so you know exactly what I am talking about.

10. Joe Jervis - He's 81, in sales at Budget Ligthing and likely won't quit until he keels over with the phone in his hand. Every day I can expect Joe to shuffle around the corner to my cube and say something along the lines of, "There's Beth. Did you sell anything today?" And then stand there for a minute too long and finally shuffle off.
9. Scott Coykendall - With his totally silly laugh, all you can do is find yourself wanting to break out in a grin and laugh with him. He is hell bent on finding his bestfriend and office mate, Paul, a girlfriend, and until I told him Brett was coming, he was certain you would make agreat match.
8. Dave Mitchell - Hyper skinny, slightly used car salesmanish and totally dry, Dave is one of my favorite people at BLI. He is my trainer, biggest cheerleader, and the person whose humor I relate to best.
7. Heidi - A happy shiny ball of sunshine, Heidi never lets on when there is a problem in life. Heidi welcomed me first and made me feel like a party of BLI, with training help, encouragement, and an invitation to join in socially.
6. Kathy - Perfectly fit the MO of why we cross our eyes. She is loud, self important, really good at what she does and totally knows it. She also is totally inept in fashion and self maintenance, but ultimately she is tolerable.
5. Dick Olsen - Ummmm, the only way to decribe him is COMBOVER!!!! Seriously, if he combed out his combover, it would make Herr Krueger look utterly bland and standard. Perhaps 8 to 10"???
4. Julieann - The worn out partygirl girlfriend of number one, Julieann is like a 50 year-old cheerleader willing to fiercely defend her quarterback boyfriend. She's one of those gals you see in the bar after having 5 drinks and think she is very attractive. The next day you take your beer goggles off and - oh my. She also dresses like it's party time, all the time. And when we had our post Christmas party, Christmas party, she looked like the trailerpark prom queen. :)
3. Mike Litman - Mike Litman is BLI's Milton. Nonsensical stories and akwardness abound when it comes to Litman. All you have to do to understand what I mean is to listen to him make a one sales call. "No, listen to me, this is what you need to do. Oh wait, my cell phone is ringing, hang on a sec." Dialtone. And he wonders why.... Litman is my rolly polly cube neighbor.
2. Linda Donovan - LINDA! I love Linda soooo much. She says it like it is and doesn't hold back. She has treated me like a friend and has allowed me to tag along and learn from her. I am soooo comfortable around her.
1. Mike Hetherington - And number one, my fearless, couthless leader: MH. Never have my eyes burned so much as when I caught a glimpse of his gold chain tangled in his golden grey chest hair, peeking out the top of his unbuttoned shirt... UNTIL I saw his gold chain resting proudly against his freshly waxed chest, which was ofcourse on proud display at the top of his unbuttoned shirt. The quintessential skeezy used car sales manager, MH is brash, cocky, and very very proud of himself, both in the looks category and in his sales ability ~ despite the fact that he apparently is the sales manager because he owes BLI lots and lots of money.

The visit to the BLI office should prove to provide much blog fodder for months to come!

I Want To Play! - The Top 10 Things I Am Looking Forward Too

Alright, I am a sucker for a good list. I have to play this game!

10. Hugging you!

9. Seeing you and Brett side by side, waiting for me - BLISS!!

8. Shopping the occasional sales with you and Sue.

7. Bloody Marys with a beer shooter - yes, Minnesotans perfected the consumption of vodka and tomato yumminess. How to make the delicious concoction better? Just add a side of beer!

6. Cheering on the Cats with you!

5. Hearing Stephen talk to the doggies in a baby voice. That cracks me up!

4. Participating in some sort of uniquely northern winter sport - snowmobiling, driving on a frozen lake, snowshoeing, etc.

3. Spending Monday shopping, running, and cooking with you.

2. Getting to spend an entire weekend relaxing and having fun with my twin sister, her husband, and my amazing boyfriend. I can't imagine anything better - I really can't. Oh except for the feeling I will get when I am...

1. Hugging you!!

This week is going by quickly, but I am not going to lie - the waiting is brutal. I can feel parts of my brain subsequently shutting down into twincation mode. (twin vacation) I hate that it is all going to go by too quickly. I know exactly how you felt when you were getting ready to come here. You know that it is going to be all that you expected and more, but that it is going to be a whirlwind that rips your heart out of you when it is over. But still, I would rather have the time with you and feel that miserable feeling than not be able to experience it at all. It is time to stock up on the lithium batteries and get your camera ready, because we are going to document, document, document. I want to be able to relive this trip through pictures for months to come. I <>

The Top Ten New Things You Will Try When You are Here

10. Snowbiling (hopefully!)
9. Eat pickles on a pizza
8. Drive on a lake.
7. Spend the night at my new house!
6. Get driven to and from a bar by the bar.
5. Visit Von Maur (or however it is spelled)
4. Visit the Midtown Exchange
3. To figure out how the hell you get around this town.
2. The OCCASSIONAL SALES!!!
1. To figure out a way to miss your flight (hey, it's a liberal interpretation of what you will be trying)

I can't wait until Friday!